Ask Colonel Mustang
by Colonel Roy Mustang
Summary: Got a question for the Flame Alchemist? Just want to send crazy fanmail? Write to Roy Mustang and he'll respond!
1. And so, it begins

June 19, 2009

Dear citizens of the world,

I am writing in regard of many of your reviews of Edward Elric's _Write to Edward Elric._ A number of you have requested that the author pass along messages to myself, and have been met with a refusal to do so. The numerous reviews that mention my name are enough to convince me –cough-fangirls-cough- to start my own 'story' here on . I look forward to reading all of your letters – concerns and fanmail alike – and will be replying as quickly as my schedule allows. This will be serving as my main form of communication with citizens like you, so feel free to ask questions, pose concerns, or even just speak with me. Please be patient, as I _am_ fairly busy with quelling border skirmishes and climbing the ranks to Fuhrer.

Sincerely Yours,

Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist

A.K.A. Colonel Roy Mustang

**---------------------------------------------------**

**~~~ Done simply in friendly retaliation to Eat My Metal Fist's "Write to Edward Elric". No flaming or claiming to own Roy. Enjoy writing to him!**

**Yours Truly,**

**Anonymous**


	2. The first set of letters

Ah, it would seem this was a more popular idea than I originally thought. It does have its benefits; perhaps I can use this as an excuse to get away from my paperwork more. (Now, none of you would tell Lt. Hawkeye about my little plan, right?)

Getting to business, my first letter is from 'batdiva101'. Very…creative name.

_HAHA! I was wondering when you'd come around, Mustang! :D _

_First of all, in response to you saying yaoi fangirls have no logic of RoyEd; I do. ^^ You wanted tiny miniskirts either of two reasons. 1) You're bisexual(which is what I'm going with) or 2) You're just saying it make people THINK you don't love Ed. -giggles- Hate me already don't you? Well, most people do. ^^_

_Now, what're your thoughts on the Parental!RoyEd fics? O: I mean, technically they are, but aren't yaoi. Doesn't make sense, ne? O:_

I would have begun this much earlier, but I've been rather busy: my apologies for the wait.

…you know what, I'm taking that back. I don't think I'm quite so sorry after reading your letter. I can assure you that I am not bisexual or homosexual, but I don't hate you.

As for your question regarding "Parental!RoyEd" fics, I had to do a bit of research to give you an answer. These are actually much closer to reality than most of the fics I've heard of; the reason being that I actually do feel somewhat responsible for the boys. (As a side note, they aren't yaoi. I checked up on yaoi to be sure, and according to Wikipedia, the definition of yaoi is "a popular term for female-oriented fictional media that focus on homoerotic or homoromantic male relationships, usually created by female authors." In parental-style fics, there is no homoerotic or homoromantic relationship.)

Next up is a review by Melody Elric, who has also commented in FullMetal's 'story' (as evidenced by his freaking out about someone having the same last name as him).

_Hi Colonel,_

_I know it may seem like i'm a Elric fan girl, but it was the only name I could think of. I think your alchemy is pretty cool, and my best friend was woundering. Have you ever killed anyone after the Ishballen war?_

No. Ever since then, I've done all I can to climb the ranks in the military so I won't have to follow orders like that anymore. It's a painful memory, and something I won't repeat. Killing in cold blood…it's not human.

Next up is Lulukiryu, with quite a few questions by the look of it.

_hmm..._

_Now when you say 'tiny miniskirts' how tiny is 'tiny'..._

_My friend and I tried to wear tiny-ish miniskirts all day, and it was extremely unpleasant. _

_Also, is this just female personnel? or both?_

_Personally, I think you could land in some parliamentary opposition if you tried to get just the girls to wear skirts._

_and Hawkeye would become upset which could be... unpleasant_

_Also, You love Riza don't you? Don't deny what's inside!_

_... Also, has anyone told you that you resemble a puppy? because in my opinion, you do~ XD_

_Give my regards to Havoc~_

_-Lulukiryu_

Mid-thigh would definitely be the longest skirt I'd accept.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you, by chance, part of the Amestrian military? –smirk-

It would only be female officers, and I'll have to disagree with you on your opinion about the parliament there. Have you seen Armstrong cross-dress? Mm, an upset Hawkeye could be a problem, though…

Woah- do I love Lt. Hawkeye? Hrm…I'm going to leave that as a possibility. You never know who's reading this, eh?

No, no one has ever told me that. Thank you for the compliment; dogs are great animals.

Havoc sends his humblest regards from the hospital. The last date with Armstrong's sister did not go well.

My fourth and final review is from iTorchic. That's an oddly placed capital…

_Dear Colonel Mustang,_

_I am a fan of your work as an alchemist and I wish to meet you, for dinner perhaps? The other day I saw the FullMetal Alchemist ranting about you, but his brother calmed him down. But, do you think I may visit you in central one time?_

_Thanks,_

_iTorchic, The Matter Alchemist_

Dear iTorchic,

I am writing in regards to your proposition of a meeting in the near future. I am flattered that you hold my skills in such high acclaim, and do believe that I am open for dinner sometime this week – Friday, perhaps. It would be an honor to meet with you.

Sincerely Yours,

Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist

And that concludes the first set. Keep the letters coming! I need an excuse to get Riza off my back about the paperwork that's piling up around here..


	3. Second set of letters

Ah, coffee sounds good right about now. Today was a mess, from FullMetal handing in a report to Black Hayate's veterinarian appointment. I did notice that I've gotten more letters today than I did yesterday, however, so I've decided to respond before I turn in for the night.

* * *

The first letter is from Lt. Riza Hawkeye 08…..o_o

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**My what a pleasant surprise this is. Imagine I browsing through the fan fiction sight and coming across this. Originally i would have been able to look past this and not become agitated with your work until i came across a few things. One being this comment coming from you:**

**"It does have its benefits; perhaps I can use this as an excuse to get away from my paperwork more. (Now, none of you would tell Lt. Hawkeye about my little plan, right?)"**

**Interesting. And here i had some respect for our dear Colonel Mustang for he never slacked off in his work when its needed. I guess i thought wrong. I'm disappointed in you Colonel, for here i thought you would be doing this little project during your free time, instead you are doing this when you should be working on more important issues. I was wondering why the paperwork was starting to pile up. I seriously dislike playing the playing the role of baby sitter for you, but obviously i am going to have to keep a closer eye on you to make sure you are doing your job. Keep in mind Colonel your suppose to be my superior and be keeping me in line, not the other way around. I suspect you will not work on this project during office hours again right Colonel Mustang? I assure you that slacking off will not bring your goal to becoming Fuhrer come any closer.**

**Now here is another reason i felt the need to write a comment is personally from the comment Lulukiryu wrote. **

**"Personally, I think you could land in some parliamentary opposition if you tried to get just the girls to wear skirts. and Hawkeye would become upset which could be... unpleasant"**

**I agree with Lulu, and i would advice you Colonel to drop the request of having us female wear mini skirts. And it isn't because of the irritation i hold for how they shamefully reveals our bosoms for perverted men like yourself, but more for safety reasons. Think about this thoroughly Colonel, if this request were to become law, what will happen when we are out in the midst of a battle. Our work efforts and defense will surely decrease, as the number of females that are injured or killed will surely increase because we wont be able to function 100% as we would as of now when we are wearing slacks. You wouldn't want that happening now would you?**

**Then came this question, which almost made me laugh when reading it:**

**"Also, You love Riza don't you? Don't deny what's inside!"**

**I can answer that for him. No, and its obviously stated when he replied to iTorchic request with "I am flattered that you hold my skills in such high acclaim, and do believe that I am open for dinner sometime this week – Friday, perhaps. It would be an honor to meet with you." Hm.. that doesn't sound like a man that loves another woman. That sounds like a man that doesn't think with his heart, nor his brain for that matter, but more with reproductive organ which hangs between his legs. Men...**

**Well i must take my leave, I will be seeing you shortly Colonel and i hope i do not catch you procrastinating in the office with this project of yours, or there will be consequences.**

**Sincerely,**

**Lt. Riza Hawkeye**

Oh boy…which one of you told Lieutenant Hawkeye about this? I think it's time for some flambé.

First Lieutenant Hawkeye,

As far as your argument against my Miniskirt Army goes, First Lieutenant, I've noticed that many of the female officers are more alert when they're on the lookout for "perverted men like myself". This, of course, means that they would also be very wary in battle, instead of their defenses decreasing as you stated.

The dinner is strictly diplomatic, Lieutenant. I've arranged many such dinners to meet with male alchemists before: do not misunderstand.

…and about that paperwork comment… It was only a joke; you know that, right?

Sincerely,

Colonel Roy Mustang

The next one is from FireNutZuko.

**Dear Roy Mustang,**

**I share the account I'm using with 3 other people, I am the 'Nut' part of the name.**

**Anyways... There are a few things I've always wondered... so many things I could actually ask off the top of my head... I know! I'll go with random questions! Seriously, if you actually met me, you'd know I'm a random person... a violent and random person... (I AM the 'Nut' part of the name afterall XD)... where was I? Oh, yeah! Questions!**

**Have you ever wanted to just hit someone with a frying pan?**

**If you ever became Führer, why would you want the women to wear miniskirts? That's pretty perverted if you think about it... I guess you haven't. Besides, most women wouldn't want to wear one everytime they go to work. Maybe YOU should wear a miniskirt for a week to see how it would feel like! I can already imagine what would happen... Okay, I got off topic... kinda...**

**If you could choose how you would die, how would you choose to die? With whatever you choose, I could probably pay someone to do that! ... why did I JUST tell you that?! Stupid sleep deprivation... which brings me to the next question!**

**What is the longest you've ever stayed up?**

**Do you find it creepy I dream about chasing you with a knife?**

**I know this is personal, but... what's it like killing someone?**

**Sincerely,**

**'Nut'**

**P.S. I will NEVER call you Colonel Mustang! Take that!**

Nut,

Yes, I have wanted to hit people with frying pans on a few occasions. I find the thought oddly calming when I haven't had enough sleep to patiently cope with everyone's concerns – after all, there are a lot of people who report to me and trust in me to help them when necessary.

I believe that many women are put off from joining in the military because most of the enlisted look very tough and manly in their current uniforms, and it discourages them to see such high 'standards' of personality. A change that brings the more feminine side of our soldiers to the fore would definitely help disperse the general attitude about it, and we'd have more soldiers with which to defend Amestris. And to your other point, I don't think I'd survive the week if I were to wear a miniskirt. I can feel the glares of several angry armed women already.

I would choose to die while protecting the closest people to me. It may sound cliché, but that's the only way that I can think I would _want_ to die. Edward, Maes, Riza…I'd do anything for them.

I normally don't look at the clock before I finish for the night, but the longest I can remember off the top of my head would be seven o'clock AM.

Hm. I'm not quite sure how to say this… _Yes, considering we haven't even met._

Killing someone, in cold blood...it's terrible. Your life isn't in danger, but you're ordered to pull the trigger on them. It's the last thing they see – your pale, inexperienced face – before they die. Your hands shake as you click back the safety, and all you can see is their terrified face. They know they're going to die, and they don't want to. They want to keep living, the same as you do, and you're the one taking that from them. They could be helping innocent people, they could have a family waiting for their safe arrival home…but none of that matters when they stop breathing. That's when it's over. There are no second chances. There are no exceptions. They're gone forever because of one tiny action from your trigger finger.

Sincerely,

Roy Mustang

P.S. – I wouldn't want you to be too used to saying that by the time I'm Fuhrer, anyway!

Our third letter and halfway point for today is from lnicol1990.

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Did you always want to be in the military, or were you rejected from the world of fashion designers? That would explain the whole 'women in tiny miniskirts' thing as a quest to avenge your ruinied career when you suggested that miniskirts were the next big thing.**

**Also, Edward Elric, aka Fullemtal, rants at you quite a lot. Do you get headaches from him shouting at you? How do you cope with that tiny ball of stress?**

**Oh, and finally, I like your gloves. Where can I get some? Can I also get a military uniform too? (NOT with a tiny miniskirt!)**

**Best Regards,**

**LNicol1990**

Dear LNicol1990,

Hahah, clever guess; I haven't heard that one before. However, ever since I'd decided on my career, it was always about helping people the best way I could think to with my alchemy – by joining the military and defending the country.

Yes, occasionally I do end up with headaches from his rants, but I like to think the feeling is mutual. It's pretty easy to cope with him, though, because the second he gets a lead on the Philospher's Stone, he's out of Central for a few weeks at least.

My gloves are tailor-made, sorry. Although you could get a pair and a uniform if you were to pass the State Alchemist's Exam. (Don't worry, the miniskirts won't happen until I'm Fuhrer, anyway.)

Only the Best Regards,

Colonel Mustang

Fourth review is from a person who also took the time to write to me in the first set of letters: Melody Elric.

**Hi, Its me again. :)**

**Alright, Mustang why do you always pick on Edward? It is not his fault he is small, and you don't have to rub it in. Blame the auto-mail, not him. Also my evil friend -glare at her- wants to know...and I sorry, but she'll kill me if I don't ask...would...you ever actually wear a min-skirt yourself? If you're going to make the girls change uniform you'd have to the same to the men. So how do you feel about idea of your's know?**

Hello again, Melody.

It's actually a good way to check on how he's feeling, to be honest. If he doesn't take the bait, then something's bound to be wrong. And it's pretty funny. Moving on, I would only wear a miniskirt in certain contexts. (i.e. – lost a bet, it was a dare, etc) As I said in the last set, I don't think anyone wants to see Major Armstrong wearing a miniskirt, now do we?

Fifth and final review for the night is from xXxnightshadexXx.

**This is BRILLIANT! I love it! Uh, I don't know what to write...**

**YOU LOVE RIZA AND YOU KNOW IT! ahahaha. Cause at the end of episode 51 it is soo obvious! **

**Oh and lay off Ed once in awhile, don't you think the kid has gone through enough? I mean seeing his "mother" after the human transmutation, losing an arm and leg, losing his brother's body, dealing with nightmares and automail rehab... and all you can think of is to remind him how short he is?! Seriously dude! I for one thinks he over reacts (which is funny) but most of the people that insult him don't know "what happened" and therefore are innocent. You for one, sir, know what happened and you STILL insult him. **

**By the way, it's the automail that keeps him from growing. And I'm not just saying that, it's true. Because the weight of automail, especially when it's hooked on to the body, puts a strain on them and the body WILL stop growing. I've done my fair share of boinic limb research, which is kinda like automail in this world just not any where near as good.**

**PS You do remind me of a puppy! SO CUTE!!**

Episode 51, eh? It's a bit unnerving that our lives have been numbered like that…let alone that you've got them memorized.

Ed doesn't like pity. He won't accept pity. He knows that he made a mistake, and he's taking responsibility to pay amends. It can even give him a distraction to be mad at me instead of feeling depressed about his situation. And it's still funny.

No, he actually has grown quite a bit. Winry adjusts his automail to fit his growth so that he isn't hindered by his metal limbs.

P.S. – Oh, thank you very much.

* * *

Once again, it was a pleasure to read the letters all of you send in. Keep them coming! For now, however, I must bid you adieu, as Black Hayate - for some God forsaken reason - wants to go outside at four AM.


	4. Ten letters in a chapter

My apologies for the absence, loyal readers, but a certain First Lieutenant kept an especially watchful eye on me while I did paperwork yesterday… Wow, ten letters this time? I hope you're ready for a long chapter: I'm going to try and answer them all in one go as long as Lt. Hawkeye is out of the room.

First off, it's a letter from FireNutZuko again.

**Dear Mustang whose name reminds me of a wild horse,**

**It's 5AM where I am, I'm tired and bored as heck, and you know what that means?! Writing randomly to you! Woo! I do have more questions... and a rant... because I'm awesome like that, more awesome than you! I just know someone's gonna hunt me down for saying that, but if I can blame it on the neighborhood kids... yeah, that'd work... it's a long long story about why I'd want to frame the neighborhood kids... kids and their disrespectful ways now-a-days. I was born in the late 1900's and now in the 20's, kids have less respect. They started climbing all over a car and one even licked the windshield! That's not all either, when a child tells another child to put their bare bottom on the windshield and they knock on your door to ask... ugh! So disrespectful, right? Isn't reading someone's rant fun?!**

**Ugh! You're so fricken sexist AND a pervert! I don't know why one of my friends (who is a boy) thinks you're awesome! I REALLY need to tell him you're sexist AND a pervert, if he doesn't know that already. Then again, that person is also a pervert... I think you two would be good friends!**

**Oh, also, I hired a few people to go after everyone you listed. But I think they might've just taken the $50 and ran... those wimps...**

**HA! I've stayed up WAY longer than you! A couple of times I stayed up for 48 hours! Can I just say that I most likely suffer sleep deprivation more than you?**

**And now for a question!**

**Which would you rather have over for dinner, a hobo with a lot of respect or a child with no respect?**

**Sincerely,**

**'Nut'**

**P.S. Even IF you became Führer, I would still call you Roy Mustang or a very strange name that I think of.**

Dear Nut, whose name reminds me of food,

Yes, I know what you mean about kids being disrespectful now-a-days. First they start saying they're more awesome than you, then they get mad when you point out their -ahem- vertical handicap… two guesses as to who the kids I'm referring to are?

It's simple: he thinks I am awesome because I _am_ awesome. It sounds like we would get along well. After all, I'm sure he shares my view on the Miniskirt Army.

Hey, would you attack someone who could turn you into flambé by snapping his fingers, or would you take the easy $50 and run?

Wow, yeah, I think that would be an accurate statement…

The hobo with respect, of course. Even though the latter might be more likely, what with FullMetal and all…Alphonse has a decent amount of manners, though.

Sincerely,

Roy Mustang

P.S. – I look forward to seeing what you can come up with.

Next up is a letter from crazy2696.

**AHA! Why is Black Hayate with you at 4 in the morning? I thought he lived with Riza!! I KNEW IT! HAHAHAHAHA! O! You totally got told off by Riza...hee hee. So. You swear to god...oops, you said you didn't have one. Me neither!! We have so much in common!! MARRY ME!**

**He he...just kidding...well the invites open. But how did you feel about losing an eye? It must be quite strange. Also what is the paperwork really about?? I mean, it can't be that hard, what do you have to do that makes you slack off it so much and spend your time answering letters? This is quite long.**

**Anyways, please answer!! I DREAM ABOUT YOU! BUt I'm not creepy...right. P.S, Do you live in a house, or an apartment/dorm? Juat wondering...**

She asked me to take care of him for a few days, something about "learning responsibility"…hm. And don't remind me, heh. ….er, we have things in common? I suppose we both are human…

Ah, it's not so bad now. You get used to seeing with just one eye, so it really doesn't affect you too badly after a while. The paperwork can be pretty much anything, from requests to the military for funding or supplies, to my subordinates' reports, to research documents. I'm more of a field operative than a cubicle worker.

P.S., I live in a house in Central.

Letter number three is from Lulukiryu.

**Please don't be upset, my friend brought this up, but...**

**Compared to Armstrong and Hughes you're kinda the... well, shortest. It's like Armstrong is tall, Hughes is on the tall side of normal, and you're on the short side of normal...**

**Also, I'm sorry for your loss...**

**Maes was a great man...**

**Damn, now I'm crying...**

There are plenty of military personnel shorter than me; Armstrong and Hughes are exceptions.

Maes was much more than a great man. He was my best friend, and he saved me from myself.

He will be sorely missed, and I assure you, you are not the only one crying.

Review number four is a response from xXxnightshadexXx.

**No no no I do NOT have the episodes memorized. I am not some rabid fangirl. I JUST watched that epiode and I remember the moment between you and Riza. Yes Edward is TOO hindered by the automail! Just because Win makes a few changes every now and then doesn't mean it's "off" Just counting tht's it' on between tose two changes that she makes does in fact stunt growth. Oh god, talking about them like this makes them sound real! It's official, I'm insane...**

**But you know what? I think I understand about that pitying (spelt it wrong) thing with Ed and he'll get all depressed remembering "his past". Ok, you're right. A lot. Make him mad more, it's funny. **

**Tell him and Al I said 'Hi' **

**(O.o Ok, I've lost it)**

Ah, I see. I'd be a bit worried if you had them memorized. Yes, FullMetal's automail hinders his growth, but it doesn't stop it completely. By the way, I've met people more insane than you, so don't worry. –coughcrazy2696cough-

Yeah, we wouldn't want that. Don't worry, I'll make him mad for you.

Sure, when they return from that lead on the Philosopher's Stone.

Alright, number five is from Melody Elric…'s friend. O_o

**hehehehehe,**

**Roy Mustang you made the biggest mistake of your whole life. I Melody Elric dare you Roy Mustang to wear a pink frilly mini skirt for a whole month! And you have to tell Edward that he is hot! And if you do not do it, I well spread a rumor around Central that you pervert. alright bye.**

**Muhahahahahahaha.**

**-Really from Melody Elric's friend :)**

Oh, everyone at Central thinks that anyway. Besides, rather be thought of as perverted than as a gender-confused Colonel, eh?

-Really from Roy Mustang's self

Halfway done, and the sixth letter is from Moonlit Water Sunny River. You've got some nice imagery going there.

**WAHAHAHA Hi Roy! :3**

**Take off your shirt!**

**and...do you think Ed is gay? Cuz he's really weird around women and I think he likes you! it makes sense!**

**and i have a type of automail myself - hearing aids, which is kind of automail-ish. Except it doesn't stunt my growth.**

**and FIRE ROCKS! I like watching things burn :D**

Hello MWSR!

It's time to rip off my shirt and please the fangirls! (Hah, can you feel the views jumping already?)

Hmmmm. It's possible, I guess, but most fifteen-year-old boys are weird around women anyway. And I think he likes me more as a father figure – he sure doesn't look up to his father.

Oh, you do? Is it a pain to live with at times? Obviously FullMetal can't swim with his automail, but do you have to take special precautions against getting your hearing aids wet, for example?

I love watching things burn. It's very calming, isn't it? :D

Onwards to letter number seven, this one is from Nahmae.

**Dear Colonel Roy mustang**

**First of all, I want to ask.. What the heck are you doing with Black Hayate that early in the morning?! *becomes suspicious as different ideas came to mind***

**Anyways, I've got to watched episode 51 again and I noticed something when Riza was nursing you back to health... she was actually wearing a short skirt! **

**Do you think she wore that so you would heal fast??**

***and I'm sure you're enjoying the view of her wearing a skirt. XD***

Dear Nahmae,

I was writing back in response to your letters, and Black Hayate was keeping me company, like a good dog. The real question is, why do you think that's suspicious?

Oh, yes, I remember that.

She might have; my Lieutenant is very thoughtful.

*How did you know? XD*

The eighth reply comes from LNicol1990.

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Thank you for replying to my letter so quickly.**

**I think it's cool that you've always wanted to help people and protect them. There aren't enough good souls like you in the world (or at least ones that actually put that good soul to something practical).**

**While Edward is really sarcastic to you sometimes, it seems like he really does have a great amount of respect for you, maybe even to the point of not telling you things so you don't get in trouble. Does it seem that way to you?**

**You said if I wanted to get a uniform,I could take the Stat Alchemist's Exam and pass. You've taken the exam, so I'm curious. How hard is the exam, I mean, isn't there something like only one or two people get in once a year? And what about alchemy? How hard is it to learn? Does it get harder the older you get?**

**And finally, why don't you be honest with Lieutenant Risa Hawkeye and tell her how much you like her? You don't have to actually say it, a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates now and then, or commenting that you like her hair or perfume will say tonnes. And if she's not interested, you can easily back off without making a complete fool of yourself. What do you think? Give it a try and let me know how it works out.**

**My best regards once again,**

**LNicol1990**

Dear LNicol1990,

You're welcome; it's really no problem at all.

Yeah, I think the world would be a better place if people decided to do something about all of the faults rather than just frowning about it. Don't you think so?

Yes, it does seem that way sometimes, but it's still frustrating. It's hard to make sure they aren't getting into trouble if they don't tell me what's going on.

The exam is difficult if you aren't ready for it, and yes, very few people pass each year. (I think the most that passed in any one year is four, but I could be wrong.) The difficulty of learning alchemy varies with a lot of factors - natural talent, dedication, and effort, for example. And no, it doesn't get more difficult unless you let yourself think that you're too old to try new things.

Hm…that's something to keep in mind. I'll let you know how it goes.

Only the Best,

Colonel Roy Mustang

Letter number nine is courtesy of EclipseRibbon.

**Hi Roy!**

**I've heard many things about you. I have recently been accepted into the military as a State Alchemist. I've been curious to learn more about you.**

**How old were you when you passed the State Alchemist exam?**

**What did you do in the final part of the exams to prove how worthy you were of being a State Alchemist?**

**And finally, do you get along with alchemists who specialize in water since you specialize in fire?**

**P.S. Maybe you've heard of me although I'm fairly new. I'm known as the Rain Alchemist.**

Hello, Eclipse.

Ah, it's always good to hear from a new recruit. I'll answer your questions as best I can.

I was 19 years old when I passed the exam.

I created a phoenix from fire and hit several fast-moving targets with flames, showing how accurate I was in my trade.

I get along with them fine, why?

P.S. – Oh, that's why. Nice to hear from you, Rain Alchemist.

The tenth and final letter for this set comes from first lieutenant riza hawkeye, who is not the First Lieutenant that works for me.

**hi colonel mustang!**

**this is rather awkward... since the last riza hawkeye told you to stop already but i wont since im not her but i REALLY should...**

**my questions are...**

**1) just admit your feelings already to hawkeye which is not me.**

**2) its so obvious like in chapter 39 page 22-40 lt. hawkeye practicaly lived because of you its so sweet!**

**after trying to revenge you since that bastard lust said she killed you she shot her many times although it didnt work... she wanted to die since your dead at least thats what she thoguht... heres a site! /Full_Metal_Alchemist/39/22/**

**and chapter 50 page 26-29 riza rather hawkeye wont leave your side here the site!/Full_Metal_Alchemist/50/26/**

**and chapter 52 page 10-15 samething and chapter 56 page 23-26 she not I didnt leave you site-/Full_Metal_Alchemist/56/23/**

**3) even chapter 94-95 i wont mension page numbers anymore its somewhere there site-/Full_Metal_Alchemist/94/01/you said you wont loose her too thats rather sweet**

**4)why dont you try flirting with her not me. even if my name here is like her name im not her if your wondering why i have this namecause she is my idol!:D**

Hello there, Lieutenant Hawkeye!

Good, I don't know if I could take two Riza's scolding me for shirking paperwork!

1) That's not a question, but it seems to be a very popular request.

2) This isn't a question either…xD However, it did make me smile a bit; it's good to know Riza's got my back.

3) Right, I won't lose anyone close to me if I can help it. I care about them too much to think about how life would be without them…

4) Ah, I'll keep that suggestion in mind.

She's a very good person to choose as an idol. She's strong, hard-working, smart, caring…but this isn't the place for a rant about my Lieutenant.

As always, it was a pleasure to read through all of your letters, and I will get to the next set as soon as I can. But for now, my bed is calling me.


	5. Rememberance and more letters

Ah, the night grinds to a halt. The sounds of the cars outside on the main street died down a while ago, and most of my subordinates have gone home. Even Hawkeye left a while ago, so I'm left to drink and think. I guess it would be a good time to work on paperwork, but it's just too nice a moment to spoil with work.

It's quiet, the streetlights glowing faintly outside. The supply train into Central whistles in the distance, the only other sound being the faint sloshing of the liquor in my glass. I take another sip, the moonlight falling softly through the window. Not even the familiar, sharp scent of the translucent liquid can bring me back to reality. The cool breeze that ruffles the trees outside has no meaning in my office, but it still brings the scent of blood on its silent wings. And just like that, I'm back there again. At that street, right in front of the telephone booth, the muffled sounds of my officers not quit reaching my ears. It's like I'd forgotten how to hear; it's like I'd forgotten how to breathe. And it's like I'd forgotten to keep my heart beating, staring down at the plastic sheeting on the ground.

I'm remembering Maes Hughes' murder scene.

The sound of crashing glass jolts me to reality, already halfway out of my chair, thumb and first two fingers of my right hand pressed together readily. But no attack came. The windows were perfectly fine.

Then I see the broken glass on the floor, the dark alcohol leaking over the smooth floorboards in the pale moonlight, and I know that Maes is dead. No amount of agonizing over his murder scene would bring him back. An image floats into my mind, simple and familiar.

It's Hughes, and he's pressing three photos of Gracia and Elicia into my face.

That's how he would want to be remembered.

* * *

Well, on to business, then.

The first letter for this update comes from FireNutZuko.

**Dear Ignoramous to the highest degree,**

**Let me guess... McShorty-kins and I. -.- At least I'm not vertically handicapped! I'm 5'7" which is an inch above average for my gender (now you know I'm a girl if you haven't already guessed), thank you very much! And you're, what? Like 5'9"? I have to say that you're vertically handicapped! Most of the guys I know are at least 6'! I don't really respect elders... the US History teacher I had in my sophomore year even scolded me for saying "I could say something, but I'm not going to..." because another teacher said... let's just say it could be taken pervertedly, lol.**

**Sadly, that friend probably does have the same views as you on your "Miniskirt Army". Keep in mind, it would probably NEVER workout! The women would most likely quit and then there would be a situation since there wouldn't be enough soldiers and then more would have to be hired. Think about if a war was going on and all the women quit because of the miniskirts. Not that clever, are you?**

**Hey! You're NOT that awesome! Scar was more awesome... despite the fact he killed a lot of people... I just know you're gonna say something about my thinking that. -.-**

**I'd pry try to attack someone that could set me on fire... I'd bring a fire extinguisher, a flamethrower, a shotgun, and a plastic pole! Why a plastic pole? I've been told I could majorly harm someone by just hitting them repeatedly with one.**

**So far, everyone agrees that they would much rather have a hobo with respect over. Besides, you could then make them take a bath and get all clean. Yeah, Al does have more manners than McShorty-kins.**

**I'm still in shock that Michael Jackson (I call him MJ) died the other day... He was the King of Pop! How could the King of Pop die from a heart attack?! C'mon! MJ was mostly fake parts anyway! He did have a fake nose... wow... no wonder he scared little children. At least MJ wasn't as scary as Archer was when he was half robot.**

**And you really shouldn't be ignoring your paperwork. That's a bad habit... along with procrastinating... yet most people do that...**

**Now for a question!**

**Hm...**

**What was your favorite thing to do as a child?**

**Sincerely,**

**'Nut'**

Dear Nut, who I have about as much respect for as FullMetal,

Ah, correct! What gave you the idea? –smirk- And to answer your probably rhetorical question, I am 5'8".

I severely doubt that all of the women in the military would quit in the midst of a war because they decided they didn't like the uniform. They want to save lives as much as anyone in the military.

Scar. You think Scar was awesome. He's tried to kill FullMetal and many other companions of mine, many of which had never killed in their lives.

I don't think someone with all that equipment could get past Riza. After all, my First Lieutenant has saved me by sniping before, and with her at my side, you'd be at a severe disadvantage. Try again.

I think everyone you've asked has got the right idea, then. It's also great to help someone who needs it. And if he heard you speaking about him like that, the midget would explode.

Rgh, I think even Archer would be scarier with a fake nose. At least Michael died of natural causes, right?

There's a simple explanation, really. Humans are pleasure-driven creatures who strive for fun, and work just doesn't seem to fit into that category.

I think my favorite thing to do when I was a kid was to practice alchemy or play outside. It really was a lot of fun back then, but Riza scolded me even more, if you can believe that's possible!

Sincerely,

_Colonel_ Mustang

Next up is crazy2696!

**Hey there! Again.**

**Dear Future Hubby of Mind, unless he's stops pretending he doesn't like a certain Lieutentant.**

**NO! MY BED IS CALLING YOU!! HAHAHAHHA. Um...sorry. Coulnd't help myself. Thanks for so kindly answering my questions and for calling my insane. My 'name' (crazy2696) really symbolifies who I am. So my question...or questions. How long did you study with Hawkeye's father? How long have you known Riza? How old where you when you met her? Do you love me? DO you like refrigerators or muffins? What kind of toilet paper do you use?**

**Just curious!**

Hello again.

Dear crazy fangirl who wants to wed me,

Um…I've gone temporarily deaf, and I'm pretty sure it's my bed calling me. You're quite welcome, though, it's really not a problem to answer your questions. (Or call you insane. I have no problem with that.) Ah, I studied with Mr. Hawkeye for quite a long time. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly how long it was, but I miss him; he was a great teacher. I've known Riza since we were kids, actually. Um, temporarily deaf again, what? Oh, yes, I love both muffins and refrigerators. Very handy inventions. As for what kind of toilet paper…the normal kind?

The third letter is from Moonlit Water Sunny River.

**YES . i have to take them out when I go swimming, and I can't go canoeing or anything unless I wear condoms over them (shudder) I'M ONLY 13! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT CONDOMS LOOK LIKE! *sob***

**Yes, well, Ed is REALLY weird around women. I think you need to give him The Talk. For example, in Aquroya, Psiren offered him 'anything he wanted' and he asked for information on the Philosopher's Stone. (and who WOULDN'T like you? *squeal*)**

**and wear your Havoc wig more! You look really awesome with it on, like you're SuperSaiyan or something. Havoc was lulz with a Roy!wig on...**

Ouch, that sounds pretty upsetting…I don't think I would have wanted to know at your age, much less had to use them. For anything. Though, it's good that you can do something about it so you can still participate in activities like that, don't you think?

Hm, that's true. However, he's probably not going to even think of those things until after he's reached his goals. In fact, if I gave him The Talk, he'd probably yell at me for wasting his time. (Aw, I'm flattered. –grin-)

I'll think about it. It was pretty fun; maybe I'll wear it to work Monday and walk past doorways at the same time as Havoc. I'm sure he'd get pretty confused; he's not really a morning person.

Review number four is from XxHouranxX.

**Dear Roy Mustang,**

**I have just a single question for you: Are you aware that Edward is at least a billion times smarter, hotter, and generally more awesome than you could ever hope to be? 8D**

Dear Houran,

I know of at least fifty-seven people that would beg to differ.

Next up is Melody Elric once again!

**Dear Colonel,**

**I am so so so sorry my friend typed that. I've already tired to kill her so she won't do it ever again. *glares at friend***

**Anyway this is 100% the real me. So I wanted to know. If Riza shot a bullet at you and you used a flame attack on it, would the bullet explode? I've always woundered that. Alright well have a good day.**

**-Melody Elric :)**

**P.S. Again I'm really sorry.**

Dear Melody,

It's fine; I _did_ start this with the intention of answering questions, after all. Please don't kill her, whatever you do…

No, it probably wouldn't. The bullet has to be able to withstand the intense heat of the initial exploding gunpowder to set it into motion, so I don't think a second burst of heat would do much. In any case, I'd rather test it with Riza shooting the bullet _away_ from me before we jump to conclusions that I'll be fine. And thank you, have a nice day yourself Melody.

-Colonel Mustang

P.S. – It's fine, just don't kill her.

Next up is another returning reviewer: lnicol1990.

**Hello Colonel,**

**This is begining to feel like a penpal thing with you. It's so cool.**

**I'm going to try out for the State Alchemist's Exam. What would you suggest I do (apart from a heck load of studying)? Should I specialise on a particular kind of alchemy? On that note, why did you specialise with fire? And, what do you think I should specialise on?**

**I hear you chose to create a pheonix for the final part of your exam. How hard was that?**

**I'm quite a creative person, I mean, right now I'm making a doll for a friend as a going-away present. Would you mind if I made a plush doll of you? Oh! Maybe I could make something for Lieutenant Hawkeye for you. What would you like me to make?**

**And, how is the whole 'serrupticiously flirting with Lt. Hawkeye' thing going? You said you keep me up-to-date.**

**Best regards**

**LNicol1990**

Hello Nicol,

Yeah, it is beginning to feel like a penpal type of thing, isn't it? It's nice to hear from a lot of you who keep writing back.

For the Exam, I'd suggest that you get plenty of sleep beforehand. Of course, I'm sure it sounds inconsequential to you, and I don't blame you, but if your concentration slips in the middle of a transmutation, you won't get the result you want. It takes a lot of concentration, and there's a lot of outside pressure from the judges watching you. It might be easier to specialize in one aspect of alchemy and have other areas that you can fall back upon if the situation calls for it. Part of the reason I specialized in fire was because my teacher did, and I'd always loved to watch things burn; it's kind of calming for me. What you should specialize on depends on what you're most comfortable with. Find your talent, and draw upon that. The phoenix wasn't too hard for me, mainly because I was equally good at controlling and amplifying the flames.

It's fine if you want to make a doll of me – I'd be flattered – but don't give it to Edward. He'll try some kind of voodoo alchemy or something. And, er, I don't know…haha.

As far as _that_ goes, well, she thought the chocolates that she found on her desk were poisoned, and they were immediately executed through gunshots and the garbage disposal in the Headquarters' cafeteria.

Best regards,

Colonel Mustang

Letter number seven is from EclipseRibbon.

**Dear Colonel Mustang,**

**Thank you for answering my questions! The pheonix is amazing!**

**I don't have much to say, and I must get back to work soon, but I have heard rumors that I might be getting transfered to work under you! I hope so, I'm a big fan of yours!**

**Please tell Havoc and the Fullmetal Alchemist "Hi" for me! (I've heard a lot about them too.)**

**~ Eclipse (AKA The Rain Alchemist)**

Dear Eclipse,

It's no problem, and thank you!

Ah, I'll be watching my transfers, then. Well, when I get to them, anyway. There's a bunch of paperwork in the way. Maybe I should do something about that. –pulls on gloves-

Havoc says hello, and I'll let FullMetal know when he returns from his lead on the Philosopher's Stone.

-Mustang, Flame Alchemist

It's nearing four AM as I write, so I'm going to finish up with one last letter for today. I'll get to the rest as soon as possible – I promise.

The last one for this chapter is from FullMetal Zombie.

**Dear Mustang,**

**I hate to be a bother, but I would like to ask for some help...**

**I was forced to move to new house a couple months ago and o top of that, my parents got divorced at the same time. I just don't really feel like I can call this home. I've started wearing a dog collar like I used to and listening to the songs I used to, yet, I still feel empty inside...I know you must think of me as a freak..., but in a lot of ways, I feel broken and there are times where I will just break down and cry because I feel so alone...**

**I just hope you can help me think of ways to make this new house more like home to me. I'm sorry to waste your time, but I just want to know that I'm not alone...**

**Sincerely, **

**Black October**

Dear Black October,

It's not a bother, trust me.

First off, you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there whose parents have gotten divorced, and it's never easy. The first thing you need to know is that it wasn't your fault. Don't let yourself believe that for even a second.

Now, I don't think you're a freak. In fact, do you remember the note at the bottom of chapter one of this 'story', from "Anonymous"? They actually went through a similar time, and began to wear a dog collar after their parents' divorce.

To make it feel more like home, try surrounding yourself with familiar things. When you're feeling out of place, for example, you could lay on your bed. The way the comforter smells can help you relax somewhat, if only because it still smells the same way as it did in your old house. It may be difficult, but you'll adjust to your new house soon. All you can do is keep trying to relax, and it won't be as bad as it seems right now.

You're not the only one that feels broken, either. There are a lot of us who break down in private, people like myself, "Anonymous", FullMetal, and so many others. If you can find someone to confide in, it would make you feel much better. It still hurts, but it's more bearable that way.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist

* * *

For now, that's all. The reviews I didn't get to today will definitely go into the next chapter, so keep an eye out for it. Thank you all for writing in; it's really a very enjoyable experience to read through your letters. _Note: if any of you wish to speak directly to "Anonymous", send a letter to the inbox of this account._

As for that journal entry-like passage at the top of this chapter…there might be more of that, if you enjoyed reading it. Let me know.

_Mustang out._


	6. A quick update: I haven

Dear loyal readers,

I apologize for the lack of recent updates, however, there isn't much I can do about it at the moment. Lieutenant Hawkeye and I are currently not in our usual office in Central: instead, we have been transferred out East temporarily. The Eastern Headquarters don't have an internet connection yet, but we should have it within the next few days, so look for an update then.

In other news, Fuery's found another dog. It's playing with Black Hayate now, but we'll have to find him a home soon. Fullmetal and his brother are out traveling, having completed their last mission. Edward's handwriting is still terrible. Havoc found himself another girlfriend, and is being sure to spend time with her far from me. Falman's still too formal, and Breda still can't stand to be near Black Hayate, or any other dog for that matter.

I'd better head back to the office.

Sincerely,

Colonel Roy Mustang  
_Flame Alchemist_


End file.
